Two of the league’s flair sides lined up today in the Stade du Parque Clube: renowned showboaters such as Fry, McNulty, Lockyer, Barclay, Lammey and Church were sprinkled through the teams like plump sultanas in a bowl of muesli, lending an air of expectation to the surprisingly sparse crowd in the Curva Balçón. Greig Barclay’s merciless Bankers were pinging their braces in anticipation of a title charge, while the cuddly KittEms were hoping to stave off regulation, as Chris Waddle might say, with a vital win.
Unfortunately this game turned out to be about as competitive as Eric the Eel, despite some early promise. Fry and Lockyer even had the KittEms 2-0 up in the first quarter. But once the Bankers had got used to the presence of a ghastly Christmas elf dressed up as Andy Roe tending their goal the game changed. Despite some rare tracking back from Lockyer (last seen in 2002), sweet finishes from Gilroy and Pitts (no, I can’t believe it either) were capped with some typically heartless cheating from Bankers vice captain Langman, who casually toe poked home when the ball was a clear foot and a half (maybe) over the line. Referee Hartley spent several minutes arguing with himself before awarding the goal.
The KittEms were visibly rocked by the perfidy of it all, and only my size 12s on Slater’s feet and some beautifully timed block tackles by Cragg on Bannerman prevented a full on rout. Although Lockyer managed to level the scores at 3-3 following a McNulty bowl-out the Bankers surged into a three goal lead through Barclay, Sidi and Bannerman. There ended the first game.
The second started with rekindled hope for the KittEms, with cultured touches from Slater feeding the triumvirate of McNulty, Lockyer and the industrious Fry. However, a second sign of the apocalypse in the form of a cool Pitts finish soon extinguished the flames of hope for the KittEms. After half-time the floodgates opened and Mo poured through, brandishing two elbows and a cold shoulder.
Jansz’s bold ploy of deploying herself and Stark (who had a superb all round game) to start the fourth quarter went the way of Operation Market Garden as the Bankers gleefully racked up five unanswered scores. Sidi was the catalyst, rambunctiously dispossessing all and sundry without discrimination, scoring two and setting up two more for Pitts and Langman. The cackling Barclay even found time to pirouette the outline of a pentagram on the pitch before laying on Bannerman for the coup de grace. The normally sedate Fry was reduced to vengeful fouling, eventually subbing himself off, tears glistening.
I leave you, sensitive readers, with the defining image of this massacre – Tom Church, that sweet sapling, cruelly hacked down by a blood-crazed Banker. Imagine, if you can, his look of anguish, pain and bewilderment. Oh, the humanity.
Bankers 6 (Gilroy, Pitts, Langman, Barclay, Sidi, Bannerman) v KittEms 3 (Lockyer 2, Fry)
Bankers 6 (Pitts 2, Sidi 2, Langman, Bannerman) v KittEms 0
Friday 11 December 2009
Wednesday 9 December 2009
27/11/2009: The Kicking KittEms v Guerinlas In The Midst (by Vikki Rose)
And now it begins, the clash of the, erm, animals. In the blue corner pacing nervously in between bouts of washing behind their ears and taking cat naps we have the kicking Kitt’Ems. In the white corner the hotly favoured Guerinlas in the midst are busy warming up hanging from hoops and drinking PG tips. Referee Micklethwaite steps on to the pitch to impose order… This could take a while…
The Guerinlas make a promising start, top banana Beth Lewis having a few shots on goal within the opening minutes. The Kitt’Ems respond slinking gracefully up the field with a beautiful shot from Bev ‘cougar’ Cousins, but alas it goes wide. Another near miss from Lewis and an answering lob in the other direction from the lion Lockyer, both without score. All this happens within the first couple of minutes or so; this is shaping up to be quite the battle of the species! Lewis then makes good on her opening promise with a strong strike from just outside the area. It provides the opening goal for the Guerinlas, and what a belter! Top Tiger Dean decides he’s not standing for much more of this and applies some pressure. A couple of good shots follow but somehow Mr Monkey himself Brian Guerin breaks the Kitt’Ems defense (ably provided by Queen of cats, Captain Jansz) and has another blistering shot on goal, which goes just wide. Both sides have a bit of a goal rush with first ferocious Fry (saved) for the Kitt’Ems, then Lewis for the Guerinlas, then Lockyear the lionheart missing what is possibly the Kitt’Ems best chance of the match so far. Some lovely defence from both teams and Cousins should have had her second but for some lovely keeping by the Guerinlas. Another fleet of volleys threatens with first Lewis , then the Lockyer losing his ball to some Monkey business from Crook who then links up with Lewis who goes on to power the ball home. It’s two nil to the Guerinlas & time for a change. Andy Roe comes on to replace Guerin while Sam Cragg (on loan from Hartleypool for two kippers and a plastic mouse in case you wondered) goes on to replace Kat for the Kitt’Ems. The first chance after the restart is again the Kitt’Em’s Cousins (she is really having a cracking game) but again it’s inches wide. A few answering shots from Lewis cause the Lionheart Lockyer to advance the Kitt’Ems’ cause. He powers down the pitch to pounce on his goal and from here on it the Kitt’Ems advance with two Lockey goals sandwiched by a strike from Fry to bring the 1st half to a close. Does monkey make good cat food? Is all the crowd can wonder….
1st half KittEms 3 (Lockyer x2, Fry),– Gurillas 2 (Lewis x2)
The Guerinlas start the second half like half monkey half terminator (you can almost see the wires behind their eyes, arrrgh!). Marc ‘Monkey’ Gillet taking a shot straight from the kick off. A strong shot from fellow teammate/terminator Lewis follows but hits the wrong side of the netting. The Guerinlas are pulling together to create some serious problems for the Kitt’Ems who are taking some time to settle in this second half (rumours that they have been enjoying catnip in the team changing room have continue to be hotly denied). Gillett shoots but it’s saved. There is yet another good attempt by the Kitt’Em’s Cousins but it’s foiled by Lewis who goes on to place a high shot onto the opposition goal. Her rebound is picked up by Gillett, a further rebound from Lewis and then Gillett finally scores. The Guerinlas celebrate with a mass grooming session in the middle of the pitch. When play eventually resumes Ellie Gillroy has her first shot on goal and although it’s a corker, it’s just not enough. The game then ascends to the rafters, the Guerinlas rising via a series of hoops, their ferocious feline opponents preferring to use a ladder (the crowd chuckle that they possibly didn’t need the ladder, still being quite ‘high’ from their half time antics). A couple of tennis balls are knocked down as the ball ricochets round the top half of the sports hall. There is lots of movement but nothing really solid from either team. The Kitt’Em’s Dubber finally brings the ball back down to earth but is denied by Roe’s head (categorically not up in the clouds). Another high shot from Dubber but nothing doing. A substitution from both teams as Sam is swapped for Kat for the Kitt’Ems and Andy taken off by Brian/Gillett for Ryan for the Guerinlas. After the substitution both teams have another assault on goal with first a Lewis shot, then attempt from Brian, then Lewis post and finally another wide shot for the Guerinlas. In a final drastic substitution by the Kitt’Ems Ewan is subbed off being replaced by the lion Lockyer who threatens to put another goal away for the remaining minutes. The score line remains unchanged though. End of first match. Three all.
Full time 1st match Gurillaz 3 (Gillett) – Kittems 3
After a half time break of working out with their scratching post the Kitt’Ems are raring to go in this the second match. Lockyer takes a shot straight from the whistle but this is saved by king monkey himself Brian Grrrrrrerila. New pet on the block Alec Dubber (having just got his collar, name tag and microchip) is allowed outside and takes up his the feline forward position. Making like a puma in the grass he slinks up to the ball and casually paws it in to provide the first and possibly most cheeky (or should that be cheetah?) goal of the match. The Guerinlas to their credit look as stunned as the crowd. This positive start for the Kitt’Ems is unfortunately pretty short lived as after saving a shot from the Guerinlas Tom Jeatt’s tail knocks the ball into his own goal. The crowd at this point seem to be rubbing their eyes. Salvador Dali walks onto the pitch to paint a quick surrealist masterpiece but still the whole pitch looks confused. Tom Jeatt suffers at the hands of the Guerinlas yet again a few minutes later taking a ball to the face after not quite getting far enough away from the sheer power created Ryan Kidd’s right foot. The merciless Scot picks up the rebound and after waiting on the edge of the box for long enough to see time actually stand still, enjoy a cup of PG and redo his fur, he puts the ball away. This seems to rally Guerinla spirits as Matt Crook (who like Harry Potter has the prophecy to be great but is yet to ascend to the required number of goals) sticks with tradition and is denied. Andy Roe goes on to miss by inches for the Guerinlas, but the Kitt’Ems have finished washing themselves and are ready for action! A Fry lob and Lockyer shot follow (both are, however, high). Crook shoots for the Guerinlas & then Dean for the Kitt’Em’s and the game progresses like this for some time, with both teams seeming to take it turns with their shots on goal . Dean has however seen highlights from the Olympics and knows the difference between football and relay. He takes a perfectly aimed shot and the deadlock is broken. It’s in! The last four minutes are upon us and both teams wake from the daze which they fell into waching the ball go back and forward back and forward (a bit like pacman only less interesting). Matt Crook finally makes good on his promise delivering the perfect goal. Not to be outdone King Guerin follows just minutes after with yet another goal from Matt Crook (with a move that I will be terming the Crook Hook from now on) rounding off the monkey mayhem. If this were a poetry journal the rest of this half would go as follows:
the crook hooks and puts it away,
Fry tries for a reply but will have to wait for another day.
The half ends.
Kitt’Ems 2 (Dubber, Lockyer) – Gurillaz 5 (white own goal Jeatt, Kidd, Crook x 2, Guerin)
2nd half
A strong start by Church, new to the pitch for this half, , but he is denied a goal by Roe, who has been moved back into his traditional stomping ground of nets. Crook shoots for the Guerinlas but it’s just wide and top cat Church disposes of Gillett’s shot just inches from the goal. Crook has what looks to be a perfectly positioned shot on the edge of the area but fluffs it, he then retires to the edge of the pitch where he and his motivational self help tape have a serious chat. Gillroy is proving her metal in the Kitt’Ems defense as she makes like a wall & keeps ‘em out. The teams are now battling against each other as they realise it’s their last chance to score. Crook is denied by the feline dexterity of the Kitt’Em’s keeper again as a top shot from Top Cat Church is saved by Roe. Fry is brought down by Gillett near the Kitt’Em’ goal and referee Micklethwaite sagely ignores it (it is as my mum would say six of one and half a dozen of the other). Gillett pauses his punching just long enough to lock onto a lovely ball by Captain Monkey Brian and scores. Lovely teamwork her from the Guerinlas. Crook tries recreate recent history by following up with a second for the Guerinlas but it’s got too much spin and veers off course. Lewis toohas another change on the opposition goal but her shot is wide. Lockyer at this point sees the fighting that is still going on down pitch and decides violence clearly is the answer and takes Crook down. After a short dinner and acceptance speech for his Oscar winning reaction Crook returns to the attack but is wide again the match ends with referee Micklethwaite colliding with Gorillaz front runner Lewis in what is a fair representation of how things have gone in this second half.
Scores for this game Guerinlas 7-2 Kitt’Ems (Gillett, 2)
Both teams played well but it was ultimately the Guerinlas who looked to be the stronger team in this battle. if they can settle into the game a little earlier for their next match they might be swapping that mug of PG for a different kind of cup entirely.
Team Lists
Guerinlas
Brian Guerin (captain)
Alf Symons
Nick Ashcroft
Ryan Kidd
Andy Roe
Marc Gillett
Matt Crook
Beth Lewis
Sam Cragg (ringer)
Kitt’Ems
Kitty Jansz (captain)
Tom Church
Tom Jeatt
Dean Lockyer
Ewan Stevenson
Alec Dubber
Barry Fry
Ellie Gillroy
The Guerinlas make a promising start, top banana Beth Lewis having a few shots on goal within the opening minutes. The Kitt’Ems respond slinking gracefully up the field with a beautiful shot from Bev ‘cougar’ Cousins, but alas it goes wide. Another near miss from Lewis and an answering lob in the other direction from the lion Lockyer, both without score. All this happens within the first couple of minutes or so; this is shaping up to be quite the battle of the species! Lewis then makes good on her opening promise with a strong strike from just outside the area. It provides the opening goal for the Guerinlas, and what a belter! Top Tiger Dean decides he’s not standing for much more of this and applies some pressure. A couple of good shots follow but somehow Mr Monkey himself Brian Guerin breaks the Kitt’Ems defense (ably provided by Queen of cats, Captain Jansz) and has another blistering shot on goal, which goes just wide. Both sides have a bit of a goal rush with first ferocious Fry (saved) for the Kitt’Ems, then Lewis for the Guerinlas, then Lockyear the lionheart missing what is possibly the Kitt’Ems best chance of the match so far. Some lovely defence from both teams and Cousins should have had her second but for some lovely keeping by the Guerinlas. Another fleet of volleys threatens with first Lewis , then the Lockyer losing his ball to some Monkey business from Crook who then links up with Lewis who goes on to power the ball home. It’s two nil to the Guerinlas & time for a change. Andy Roe comes on to replace Guerin while Sam Cragg (on loan from Hartleypool for two kippers and a plastic mouse in case you wondered) goes on to replace Kat for the Kitt’Ems. The first chance after the restart is again the Kitt’Em’s Cousins (she is really having a cracking game) but again it’s inches wide. A few answering shots from Lewis cause the Lionheart Lockyer to advance the Kitt’Ems’ cause. He powers down the pitch to pounce on his goal and from here on it the Kitt’Ems advance with two Lockey goals sandwiched by a strike from Fry to bring the 1st half to a close. Does monkey make good cat food? Is all the crowd can wonder….
1st half KittEms 3 (Lockyer x2, Fry),– Gurillas 2 (Lewis x2)
The Guerinlas start the second half like half monkey half terminator (you can almost see the wires behind their eyes, arrrgh!). Marc ‘Monkey’ Gillet taking a shot straight from the kick off. A strong shot from fellow teammate/terminator Lewis follows but hits the wrong side of the netting. The Guerinlas are pulling together to create some serious problems for the Kitt’Ems who are taking some time to settle in this second half (rumours that they have been enjoying catnip in the team changing room have continue to be hotly denied). Gillett shoots but it’s saved. There is yet another good attempt by the Kitt’Em’s Cousins but it’s foiled by Lewis who goes on to place a high shot onto the opposition goal. Her rebound is picked up by Gillett, a further rebound from Lewis and then Gillett finally scores. The Guerinlas celebrate with a mass grooming session in the middle of the pitch. When play eventually resumes Ellie Gillroy has her first shot on goal and although it’s a corker, it’s just not enough. The game then ascends to the rafters, the Guerinlas rising via a series of hoops, their ferocious feline opponents preferring to use a ladder (the crowd chuckle that they possibly didn’t need the ladder, still being quite ‘high’ from their half time antics). A couple of tennis balls are knocked down as the ball ricochets round the top half of the sports hall. There is lots of movement but nothing really solid from either team. The Kitt’Em’s Dubber finally brings the ball back down to earth but is denied by Roe’s head (categorically not up in the clouds). Another high shot from Dubber but nothing doing. A substitution from both teams as Sam is swapped for Kat for the Kitt’Ems and Andy taken off by Brian/Gillett for Ryan for the Guerinlas. After the substitution both teams have another assault on goal with first a Lewis shot, then attempt from Brian, then Lewis post and finally another wide shot for the Guerinlas. In a final drastic substitution by the Kitt’Ems Ewan is subbed off being replaced by the lion Lockyer who threatens to put another goal away for the remaining minutes. The score line remains unchanged though. End of first match. Three all.
Full time 1st match Gurillaz 3 (Gillett) – Kittems 3
After a half time break of working out with their scratching post the Kitt’Ems are raring to go in this the second match. Lockyer takes a shot straight from the whistle but this is saved by king monkey himself Brian Grrrrrrerila. New pet on the block Alec Dubber (having just got his collar, name tag and microchip) is allowed outside and takes up his the feline forward position. Making like a puma in the grass he slinks up to the ball and casually paws it in to provide the first and possibly most cheeky (or should that be cheetah?) goal of the match. The Guerinlas to their credit look as stunned as the crowd. This positive start for the Kitt’Ems is unfortunately pretty short lived as after saving a shot from the Guerinlas Tom Jeatt’s tail knocks the ball into his own goal. The crowd at this point seem to be rubbing their eyes. Salvador Dali walks onto the pitch to paint a quick surrealist masterpiece but still the whole pitch looks confused. Tom Jeatt suffers at the hands of the Guerinlas yet again a few minutes later taking a ball to the face after not quite getting far enough away from the sheer power created Ryan Kidd’s right foot. The merciless Scot picks up the rebound and after waiting on the edge of the box for long enough to see time actually stand still, enjoy a cup of PG and redo his fur, he puts the ball away. This seems to rally Guerinla spirits as Matt Crook (who like Harry Potter has the prophecy to be great but is yet to ascend to the required number of goals) sticks with tradition and is denied. Andy Roe goes on to miss by inches for the Guerinlas, but the Kitt’Ems have finished washing themselves and are ready for action! A Fry lob and Lockyer shot follow (both are, however, high). Crook shoots for the Guerinlas & then Dean for the Kitt’Em’s and the game progresses like this for some time, with both teams seeming to take it turns with their shots on goal . Dean has however seen highlights from the Olympics and knows the difference between football and relay. He takes a perfectly aimed shot and the deadlock is broken. It’s in! The last four minutes are upon us and both teams wake from the daze which they fell into waching the ball go back and forward back and forward (a bit like pacman only less interesting). Matt Crook finally makes good on his promise delivering the perfect goal. Not to be outdone King Guerin follows just minutes after with yet another goal from Matt Crook (with a move that I will be terming the Crook Hook from now on) rounding off the monkey mayhem. If this were a poetry journal the rest of this half would go as follows:
the crook hooks and puts it away,
Fry tries for a reply but will have to wait for another day.
The half ends.
Kitt’Ems 2 (Dubber, Lockyer) – Gurillaz 5 (white own goal Jeatt, Kidd, Crook x 2, Guerin)
2nd half
A strong start by Church, new to the pitch for this half, , but he is denied a goal by Roe, who has been moved back into his traditional stomping ground of nets. Crook shoots for the Guerinlas but it’s just wide and top cat Church disposes of Gillett’s shot just inches from the goal. Crook has what looks to be a perfectly positioned shot on the edge of the area but fluffs it, he then retires to the edge of the pitch where he and his motivational self help tape have a serious chat. Gillroy is proving her metal in the Kitt’Ems defense as she makes like a wall & keeps ‘em out. The teams are now battling against each other as they realise it’s their last chance to score. Crook is denied by the feline dexterity of the Kitt’Em’s keeper again as a top shot from Top Cat Church is saved by Roe. Fry is brought down by Gillett near the Kitt’Em’ goal and referee Micklethwaite sagely ignores it (it is as my mum would say six of one and half a dozen of the other). Gillett pauses his punching just long enough to lock onto a lovely ball by Captain Monkey Brian and scores. Lovely teamwork her from the Guerinlas. Crook tries recreate recent history by following up with a second for the Guerinlas but it’s got too much spin and veers off course. Lewis toohas another change on the opposition goal but her shot is wide. Lockyer at this point sees the fighting that is still going on down pitch and decides violence clearly is the answer and takes Crook down. After a short dinner and acceptance speech for his Oscar winning reaction Crook returns to the attack but is wide again the match ends with referee Micklethwaite colliding with Gorillaz front runner Lewis in what is a fair representation of how things have gone in this second half.
Scores for this game Guerinlas 7-2 Kitt’Ems (Gillett, 2)
Both teams played well but it was ultimately the Guerinlas who looked to be the stronger team in this battle. if they can settle into the game a little earlier for their next match they might be swapping that mug of PG for a different kind of cup entirely.
Team Lists
Guerinlas
Brian Guerin (captain)
Alf Symons
Nick Ashcroft
Ryan Kidd
Andy Roe
Marc Gillett
Matt Crook
Beth Lewis
Sam Cragg (ringer)
Kitt’Ems
Kitty Jansz (captain)
Tom Church
Tom Jeatt
Dean Lockyer
Ewan Stevenson
Alec Dubber
Barry Fry
Ellie Gillroy
Friday 20 November 2009
20/11/09: The Bankers: Always Giving you Extra v Hartleypool Utd
A hard-fought couple of games saw each side chalk up a victory. Dan Hartley was on sparkling form to notch another 5 goals which gives him a daunting 6 goal cushion at the top of the scorers chart ahead of Dean and myself.
Special mentions for Rachael Lammey and Ellie Gilroy who both had excellent games for the Bankers, the former scoring two goals in the opening match. To repeat the words of his captain, 'Varley spent most of the time on the floor and Lammey had him in her pocket – great second goal.'
Scores were:
Bankers 4-3 Hartleypool
Bankers 1-4 Hartleypool
Scorers were:
Dan Hartley 5; Rachael Lammey 2; Ian Bannerman; Mo Sidi; Lloyd Langman; Will Lazenby; Adam Wheeler
Special mentions for Rachael Lammey and Ellie Gilroy who both had excellent games for the Bankers, the former scoring two goals in the opening match. To repeat the words of his captain, 'Varley spent most of the time on the floor and Lammey had him in her pocket – great second goal.'
Scores were:
Bankers 4-3 Hartleypool
Bankers 1-4 Hartleypool
Scorers were:
Dan Hartley 5; Rachael Lammey 2; Ian Bannerman; Mo Sidi; Lloyd Langman; Will Lazenby; Adam Wheeler
Thursday 19 November 2009
Where have all the goals gone?
Another reportless week.
In a rearranged fixture, the Mince and the Midst shared two goals over 40 minutes of actionless-packed football.
I bet you're glad we didn't put you through a report now...
The Bankers finish off the third round of games against Hartleypool tomorrow. 12.30pm KO as per usual.
In a rearranged fixture, the Mince and the Midst shared two goals over 40 minutes of actionless-packed football.
I bet you're glad we didn't put you through a report now...
The Bankers finish off the third round of games against Hartleypool tomorrow. 12.30pm KO as per usual.
Friday 30 October 2009
MickleSlate’s Moray Mince v The Pink Panthers
Unfortunately I didn't organize a hack for this one and I wasn't around either. At this point, I should say that if anyone would like to have a go at writing for this blog, then they should get in touch. It's a great way to make use of an English degree...
Scores for today's game were:
MickleSlate’s Moray Mince 1 v 6 The Pink Panthers
MickleSlate’s Moray Mince 4 v 3 The Pink Panthers
Scorers were:
Ben Hathaway 5; Andy Humphries 3; Adam Micklethwaite 2; Sian Findlay; Robbie Cooke; Niall Slater; Ben Woolhead
This means that the PPs are still rooted to the bottom, but it won't be for long if Humphries and Hathaway maintain this kind of scoring record. The Mince return to the top, albeit for what is only a temporary period.
Scores for today's game were:
MickleSlate’s Moray Mince 1 v 6 The Pink Panthers
MickleSlate’s Moray Mince 4 v 3 The Pink Panthers
Scorers were:
Ben Hathaway 5; Andy Humphries 3; Adam Micklethwaite 2; Sian Findlay; Robbie Cooke; Niall Slater; Ben Woolhead
This means that the PPs are still rooted to the bottom, but it won't be for long if Humphries and Hathaway maintain this kind of scoring record. The Mince return to the top, albeit for what is only a temporary period.
Tuesday 27 October 2009
Brianstown Guerinlas vs Hartleypool Ogres
This past Friday saw the NFL 5s league bring its own brand of razzmatazz to Milton Park with a regular season match played on our very own Park Club gridiron.
The Ogres were 1 and 1 going into this lunchtime face off, but with their lengthy roster all reporting fit for duty, they were hoping that future hall-of-fame tight end Dan Hartley III could do the business. Hartley has been muted in his appearances thus far, crossing for only four touchdowns but racking up the rushing yards to keep his team optimistic.
Likewise, the Guerinlas had also managed a single win this campaign, earned by an MVP performance from their scrambling Cornerback Bryan Gueringo. The roster looked skinny before the kickoff, but a strong stable of Wide Receivers meant that the Guerinlas would surely favour their slick passing game.
Once the smoke of the flares and fireworks had been ushered through the fire exit, things got off to a promising start for the depleted ‘Las. In favouring their right flank and dogged wide receiver Bezz Lewz, they risked telegraphing their plays, but it bore fruit when Lewz made ground and a switch to the centre found Nik AssKrunk with all the time and space on the field to romp home and milk the applause, pinging the ball off the turf and nodding exaggeratedly. They were finding a lot of room down either side and Ogres backs Victorious Roze and Allstar Meier were having to put in extra shifts to restrict the gains to single figures.
The poor conditions were becoming more obvious by now, with both teams struggling to get a foothold. The Ogres were finding AssKrunk and rookie safety Cashryn Thomas alert in the backfield, snapping onto any attempts to run the ball to halt any progress through the middle. The right flank was still bearing some fruit, but fumbles and blocked runs were causing failed fourth down conversions one after the other. Hartley III had switched to quarterback to try and get some momentum behind his team, but his long bombs were being picked off. Gueringo in particular was underlining his status as the league’s leading cornerback, shutting his receiver down on each and every play. Every time the dangerman looked to be on the verge of a breakthough, the trademark flash of gold chain and cloud of ginger dreadlocks arrived to tip the ball away.
It came as a shock to the packed Park Bowl crowd when Hartley angled a run in from the sideline to burst through for the pullback TD. The ‘Las responded with a flourish, but the tie lasted until the end of the quarter. Raking passes from one end of the field to another were gaining ground by the acre for the Las. One magnificent long bomb from pimped stand-in quarterback Marcus Gillette found strapping, cornfed tight end Andre Rowe for a gain of fourty yards, but they couldn’t convert the territory.
1st Quarter: 7-7
The second quarter was the point that the ‘Las had earmarked in their gamplan for the big push, gathering their offensive line around big center Roe for a big 15 minutes. Hartley III and rangy tackle David Varlois sat out the start in favour of some fresh legs, so there was a chance for Gueringo’s players to make their dominance count.
Sammy Cragge set about disrupting their game with a monster block on DeRyan Kidd as he surged into the backfield and Stylez W. Lazenby followed suit with an astonishing flying tackle on a surging Lewz, but it wasn’t long before the ‘Las found the next gear, locating the endzone three times without reply. Lyndsay Starkerhoffer was looking confident in making ground down the left but it was a sudden switch of tempo down the opposite flank that saw the veteran Gillette isolate his man on a downfield foray with two linemen in attendance and find the zone. As the Ogres tired, Starkerhoffer made the gap for Gillette to stride through and run home for a massive touchdown. The next to put her name on the board was enthusiastic rookie Thomas who picked herself up after a narrow chance seconds earlier to slot through a tiny gap on the right flank. Thomas, monogrammed white towel tucked into her waistband, flatfooted her marked with a series of stutter-steps before vanishing inside to receive the pass and flop over the line. It was great finishing from a player not expected to flourish in a team packed with strong wide players.
The ‘Las were getting more sacks than the elephant man and more turnovers than an apple pastry while the Ogres were fumbling like a furtive teenager. They were looking exhausted with less than half of the clock gone, and could muster nothing in reply. It was telling that the defensive skills of Cragge were to the fore throughout this quarter. In fact, they only managed to threaten the ‘Las endzone when a pass bounced off Gibbonswerth’s helmet, but it was scrambled out of bounds by Gillette before it could be chased down.
Half time: 21-7
The third quarter continued as the second had ended, and Gillette soon increased the ‘Las’ lead as he overcame the taller and stronger Varlois in the corner. Varlois had a grip on his man’s jersey, but Gillette wasn’t to be denied, and thundered across the line. Not content with this, he then followed up with a tidy run through the gap left by Meier’s missed block to register again.
Then came the turning point. The Ogres had thus far held back on introducing their monstrous middle linebacker Dave ‘The Wall’ Owing, but now was the time. Owing wasted no time at all in taking hold of the game and shaking it. Hartley III was the first to benefit from his team’s newfound dynamism, as a lengthy sequence of hard-won first downs saw them positioned 3rd and 5 with Hartley the dangerman. He made no mistake in executing a textbook cutback run that finally gave him the space on Gueringo that he needed to race home and make the score 35-14.
A series of crashing tackles had the crowd baying, just the kind of game that Owing thrives on. He was ubiquitous in dragging rogue ballcarriers to the ground and marshalling his fellow linemen LaGailius Carter and Andrethus Gibbins, denying ground on every play, not to mention a booming field goal attempt that rattled the outside of the goal from 55 yards. Determined to prove that he is a true all-rounder, Owing then contributed his own score, playing at running back for a drive and forcing his way through all manner of flying bodies to find the corner from an almost impossible position. With Hartley III now being shepherded sternly by AssKrunk, it looked as though Owing could be the new option that the Ogres needed.
Hartley himself had other ideas though. His scoring rate had been called into question before the game, and he had spent three quarters frustrated by the ‘Las’ dynamic defensive backs. Now was the time to stand up and be counted as a true pro, just like his old man Dan Hartley the First back in Superbowl XIX. Hartley III took advantage of Owing’s new dangerman status to crash through a weak backfield for what was to be the first of a remarkable scoring burst.
The ‘Las were finding nothing open for them, having switched to a running game in an effort to grind down some territory in the final moments. Kidd was being ground out of the sidelines before he could make a yard, and even when the crowd though they could cheer another TD, Varlois’ injury meant that the drive had to be taken back to first and ten. By the time that Guerin began to channel his plays back towards Lewz, it was too late, the Ogres were ready a waiting.
Lewz frustration was evident as a smashing tackle to heave Owing out of bounds saw the Ogres’ new star on his knees and wheezing. It was the ‘Las dogged determination to push every play through their reliable wide receiver that brought about both their next breakthrough and ironically, their downfall. Lewz showed her NFL pedigree when she converted the first play of a drive into pure touchdown gold with a simple catch and sprint for 42-28.
However, it was this assured finish that made the ‘Las overconfident and, fatally, one dimensional. Hartley III’s impact was massive. First he ran home his own interception and then took advantage of further crossed wires to pick off another wide pass and run home again, dazzling Guerin with a lightning juke to the right before toasting him inside and scorching home. A great piece of quarterback play brought about his final score, converting a long pass downfield with Owing whooping at his side and already choreographing an elaborate celebration routine. 42-49 it finished and the crowd knew that they’d seen a vintage display from the big man at the heart of the Ogres’ title challenge, who was busy being doused with a Gatorade barrel by his teammates.
What actually happened:
1st Game:
Guerinlas – 4 (Ascroft, Gillet 2, Thomas)
Hartleypool – 1 (Hartley)
2nd Game:
Guerinlas – 3 (Gillet 2, Lewis)
Hartleypool – 6 (Hartley 5, Owen)
The Ogres were 1 and 1 going into this lunchtime face off, but with their lengthy roster all reporting fit for duty, they were hoping that future hall-of-fame tight end Dan Hartley III could do the business. Hartley has been muted in his appearances thus far, crossing for only four touchdowns but racking up the rushing yards to keep his team optimistic.
Likewise, the Guerinlas had also managed a single win this campaign, earned by an MVP performance from their scrambling Cornerback Bryan Gueringo. The roster looked skinny before the kickoff, but a strong stable of Wide Receivers meant that the Guerinlas would surely favour their slick passing game.
Once the smoke of the flares and fireworks had been ushered through the fire exit, things got off to a promising start for the depleted ‘Las. In favouring their right flank and dogged wide receiver Bezz Lewz, they risked telegraphing their plays, but it bore fruit when Lewz made ground and a switch to the centre found Nik AssKrunk with all the time and space on the field to romp home and milk the applause, pinging the ball off the turf and nodding exaggeratedly. They were finding a lot of room down either side and Ogres backs Victorious Roze and Allstar Meier were having to put in extra shifts to restrict the gains to single figures.
The poor conditions were becoming more obvious by now, with both teams struggling to get a foothold. The Ogres were finding AssKrunk and rookie safety Cashryn Thomas alert in the backfield, snapping onto any attempts to run the ball to halt any progress through the middle. The right flank was still bearing some fruit, but fumbles and blocked runs were causing failed fourth down conversions one after the other. Hartley III had switched to quarterback to try and get some momentum behind his team, but his long bombs were being picked off. Gueringo in particular was underlining his status as the league’s leading cornerback, shutting his receiver down on each and every play. Every time the dangerman looked to be on the verge of a breakthough, the trademark flash of gold chain and cloud of ginger dreadlocks arrived to tip the ball away.
It came as a shock to the packed Park Bowl crowd when Hartley angled a run in from the sideline to burst through for the pullback TD. The ‘Las responded with a flourish, but the tie lasted until the end of the quarter. Raking passes from one end of the field to another were gaining ground by the acre for the Las. One magnificent long bomb from pimped stand-in quarterback Marcus Gillette found strapping, cornfed tight end Andre Rowe for a gain of fourty yards, but they couldn’t convert the territory.
1st Quarter: 7-7
The second quarter was the point that the ‘Las had earmarked in their gamplan for the big push, gathering their offensive line around big center Roe for a big 15 minutes. Hartley III and rangy tackle David Varlois sat out the start in favour of some fresh legs, so there was a chance for Gueringo’s players to make their dominance count.
Sammy Cragge set about disrupting their game with a monster block on DeRyan Kidd as he surged into the backfield and Stylez W. Lazenby followed suit with an astonishing flying tackle on a surging Lewz, but it wasn’t long before the ‘Las found the next gear, locating the endzone three times without reply. Lyndsay Starkerhoffer was looking confident in making ground down the left but it was a sudden switch of tempo down the opposite flank that saw the veteran Gillette isolate his man on a downfield foray with two linemen in attendance and find the zone. As the Ogres tired, Starkerhoffer made the gap for Gillette to stride through and run home for a massive touchdown. The next to put her name on the board was enthusiastic rookie Thomas who picked herself up after a narrow chance seconds earlier to slot through a tiny gap on the right flank. Thomas, monogrammed white towel tucked into her waistband, flatfooted her marked with a series of stutter-steps before vanishing inside to receive the pass and flop over the line. It was great finishing from a player not expected to flourish in a team packed with strong wide players.
The ‘Las were getting more sacks than the elephant man and more turnovers than an apple pastry while the Ogres were fumbling like a furtive teenager. They were looking exhausted with less than half of the clock gone, and could muster nothing in reply. It was telling that the defensive skills of Cragge were to the fore throughout this quarter. In fact, they only managed to threaten the ‘Las endzone when a pass bounced off Gibbonswerth’s helmet, but it was scrambled out of bounds by Gillette before it could be chased down.
Half time: 21-7
The third quarter continued as the second had ended, and Gillette soon increased the ‘Las’ lead as he overcame the taller and stronger Varlois in the corner. Varlois had a grip on his man’s jersey, but Gillette wasn’t to be denied, and thundered across the line. Not content with this, he then followed up with a tidy run through the gap left by Meier’s missed block to register again.
Then came the turning point. The Ogres had thus far held back on introducing their monstrous middle linebacker Dave ‘The Wall’ Owing, but now was the time. Owing wasted no time at all in taking hold of the game and shaking it. Hartley III was the first to benefit from his team’s newfound dynamism, as a lengthy sequence of hard-won first downs saw them positioned 3rd and 5 with Hartley the dangerman. He made no mistake in executing a textbook cutback run that finally gave him the space on Gueringo that he needed to race home and make the score 35-14.
A series of crashing tackles had the crowd baying, just the kind of game that Owing thrives on. He was ubiquitous in dragging rogue ballcarriers to the ground and marshalling his fellow linemen LaGailius Carter and Andrethus Gibbins, denying ground on every play, not to mention a booming field goal attempt that rattled the outside of the goal from 55 yards. Determined to prove that he is a true all-rounder, Owing then contributed his own score, playing at running back for a drive and forcing his way through all manner of flying bodies to find the corner from an almost impossible position. With Hartley III now being shepherded sternly by AssKrunk, it looked as though Owing could be the new option that the Ogres needed.
Hartley himself had other ideas though. His scoring rate had been called into question before the game, and he had spent three quarters frustrated by the ‘Las’ dynamic defensive backs. Now was the time to stand up and be counted as a true pro, just like his old man Dan Hartley the First back in Superbowl XIX. Hartley III took advantage of Owing’s new dangerman status to crash through a weak backfield for what was to be the first of a remarkable scoring burst.
The ‘Las were finding nothing open for them, having switched to a running game in an effort to grind down some territory in the final moments. Kidd was being ground out of the sidelines before he could make a yard, and even when the crowd though they could cheer another TD, Varlois’ injury meant that the drive had to be taken back to first and ten. By the time that Guerin began to channel his plays back towards Lewz, it was too late, the Ogres were ready a waiting.
Lewz frustration was evident as a smashing tackle to heave Owing out of bounds saw the Ogres’ new star on his knees and wheezing. It was the ‘Las dogged determination to push every play through their reliable wide receiver that brought about both their next breakthrough and ironically, their downfall. Lewz showed her NFL pedigree when she converted the first play of a drive into pure touchdown gold with a simple catch and sprint for 42-28.
However, it was this assured finish that made the ‘Las overconfident and, fatally, one dimensional. Hartley III’s impact was massive. First he ran home his own interception and then took advantage of further crossed wires to pick off another wide pass and run home again, dazzling Guerin with a lightning juke to the right before toasting him inside and scorching home. A great piece of quarterback play brought about his final score, converting a long pass downfield with Owing whooping at his side and already choreographing an elaborate celebration routine. 42-49 it finished and the crowd knew that they’d seen a vintage display from the big man at the heart of the Ogres’ title challenge, who was busy being doused with a Gatorade barrel by his teammates.
What actually happened:
1st Game:
Guerinlas – 4 (Ascroft, Gillet 2, Thomas)
Hartleypool – 1 (Hartley)
2nd Game:
Guerinlas – 3 (Gillet 2, Lewis)
Hartleypool – 6 (Hartley 5, Owen)
Monday 19 October 2009
16/10/09 The Bankers: Always giving you more vs The Pink Panthers
Both teams were severely depleted coming into this game, so it looked like it was going to come down to the survival of the fittest. Early costume brownie points went to the Pink Panthers, who were all lined up in their identical pink T-shirts like a row of stubbed toes. The Bankers on the other hand, were wearing a variety of different colours that were not pink. Sort it Barclay.
There was an element of “the Fast Show” about Langman’s start to the game, sprinting about in his Paul Whitehouse-style Argyle jersey. But there was nothing funny about the hat-trick he managed to score before the Panthers woke up, each shot dispatched ruthlessly, with some help along the way from Lammey.
Andy “no, the other Andy Humphries” Humphries decided he had had enough at this point, and
pulled one back after robbing Ziebart on the wing. The same man then spearheaded a counter-surge, ably assisted by Lindsey Stark. Matt “the Matt” Cannon joined in the resurgence with a sweetly taken long-range strike, that Barclay barely saw. Cannon and Humphries linked up well for the remainder of the half, challenging the Lammey/Langman axis that ran the early moments of the game. 3-2 was the score at half time, with the Panthers looking more likely to score next.
The introduction of Cooper at halftime put a cat among the pigeons though. He was showboating from the off, hitting the ceiling and then playing some sublime passes with his first few touches. Other halftime substitute Ellie Gilroy also helped the Bankers get back into the game, with some telling interceptions and a few close shots. The Panthers then equalised against the run of play through their captain Moore. A great ball saw him scamper into space down the left, before firing a composed shot past Barclay. He immediately subbed himself off for Matt Cannon, revelling in his 1 shot to 1 goal ratio for several minutes.
The scores did not stay level for long, with Cooper storming forward at every opportunity to put pressure on the Panthers defence. It seemed almost too easy for him to regain the lead for his team, slotting in from a tight angle past Bulpitt. Langman resurfaced to score from the edge of the area soon afterwards, with the ref unsure whether he had crossed the red line or not. Cooper then struck to regain the Bankers’ 3 goal lead, ignoring passing options to shoot powerfully into the bottom corner from distance, with textbook banker greed.
While the Bankers’ continued to push to accumulate goals, the team’s speculation left a lot of gaps at the back, which gave Stark numerous shooting chances. This culminated in Humphries scoring the last goal of the game, striking through Langman’s legs in acres of space. It was too little too late unfortunately, as the pink team lost 4-6.
The Panthers looked a team on the brink of exhaustion at the start of the second game, with their once uniform pink T-shirts now stained various hues of red and purple from perspiration. They did start the game well though and played as a very compact unit, clearly buoyed by “1 shot to 1 goal Moore”’s pre-game pep talk. It was unsurprising that Bulpitt looked sickened when the Bankers’ scored the opener, with Lammey exchanging a couple of 1-2s with Cooper before finishing expertly into the far corner. It was a goal of the highest quality. The Panther response was spirited, with Moore’s cheeky backheel sending Humphries through on goal, but there was no sign of an equaliser. Moments later Lammey and Cooper linked up well to send their team 2 goals up, this time it was Cooper who finished from close range.
Cannon gave his team hope with another tremendous goal from distance. He then linked up well with Humphries and Hathaway to create a chance for the latter, but it was well blocked by Pitts. The Cooper Lammey and Langman triumvirate (they sound more like lawyers then bankers) were soon controlling the midfield, with Lammey crashing a shot off the bar. Their pressure paid off moments later. Cooper played Lammey into space down the wing with a backheel, and then struck the return pass past Barclay first time. Wonderful stuff.
A bit of gamesmanship crept into the game at that point, with the team 2 goals ahead passing the ball across the defence and running down the clock. The next chance fell to Cooper, who hammered a half-volley off the side wall with his trademark exuberance. The game was slow from then until halftime.
The play in the second half continued outside the Bankers’ penalty area, when a free kick was awarded against Andy Pitts’ quite brilliant, but also quite illegal sliding tackle. A speedy Lammey interception nipped the ensuing set piece in the bud. Ben Hathaway was desperately trying to pull his team back into the game with his Rambo-style runs, playing the ball to himself off the wall, and often running into the outstretched boot of Pitts. He finally closed the gap to one goal when a moment of defensive madness by the Bankers allowed him to finish unmarked from the edge of the area.
A spell of end to end chaos, now recorded in hieroglyphics in my notepad, ended with Pitts restoring his team’s 2 goal lead, unmarked. Having enjoyed his bit of attacking, Pitts then went on a blinding run the length of the pitch, beating 3 players, and setting Cooper up for an easy finish. Langman completed the route for the Bankers, shooting past a reclining Bulpitt, who seemed to have slipped. It finished 6-2 in favour of Barclay’s team
With 6 points from 6 today, the Bankers canter to a lead at the top of the table, playing the best passages of football seen yet this season. A well-organised but under-strength Pink Panthers team played some great football themselves, but were outclassed. They remain bottom.
Scores:
1st game Pink Panthers 4 - 6 The Bankers
2nd game The Bankers 5 - 2 Pink Panthers
Scorers:
Langman 5; Cooper 4; Humphries 2; Cannon 2; Hathaway; Pitts; Lammey; Moore
There was an element of “the Fast Show” about Langman’s start to the game, sprinting about in his Paul Whitehouse-style Argyle jersey. But there was nothing funny about the hat-trick he managed to score before the Panthers woke up, each shot dispatched ruthlessly, with some help along the way from Lammey.
Andy “no, the other Andy Humphries” Humphries decided he had had enough at this point, and
pulled one back after robbing Ziebart on the wing. The same man then spearheaded a counter-surge, ably assisted by Lindsey Stark. Matt “the Matt” Cannon joined in the resurgence with a sweetly taken long-range strike, that Barclay barely saw. Cannon and Humphries linked up well for the remainder of the half, challenging the Lammey/Langman axis that ran the early moments of the game. 3-2 was the score at half time, with the Panthers looking more likely to score next.
The introduction of Cooper at halftime put a cat among the pigeons though. He was showboating from the off, hitting the ceiling and then playing some sublime passes with his first few touches. Other halftime substitute Ellie Gilroy also helped the Bankers get back into the game, with some telling interceptions and a few close shots. The Panthers then equalised against the run of play through their captain Moore. A great ball saw him scamper into space down the left, before firing a composed shot past Barclay. He immediately subbed himself off for Matt Cannon, revelling in his 1 shot to 1 goal ratio for several minutes.
The scores did not stay level for long, with Cooper storming forward at every opportunity to put pressure on the Panthers defence. It seemed almost too easy for him to regain the lead for his team, slotting in from a tight angle past Bulpitt. Langman resurfaced to score from the edge of the area soon afterwards, with the ref unsure whether he had crossed the red line or not. Cooper then struck to regain the Bankers’ 3 goal lead, ignoring passing options to shoot powerfully into the bottom corner from distance, with textbook banker greed.
While the Bankers’ continued to push to accumulate goals, the team’s speculation left a lot of gaps at the back, which gave Stark numerous shooting chances. This culminated in Humphries scoring the last goal of the game, striking through Langman’s legs in acres of space. It was too little too late unfortunately, as the pink team lost 4-6.
The Panthers looked a team on the brink of exhaustion at the start of the second game, with their once uniform pink T-shirts now stained various hues of red and purple from perspiration. They did start the game well though and played as a very compact unit, clearly buoyed by “1 shot to 1 goal Moore”’s pre-game pep talk. It was unsurprising that Bulpitt looked sickened when the Bankers’ scored the opener, with Lammey exchanging a couple of 1-2s with Cooper before finishing expertly into the far corner. It was a goal of the highest quality. The Panther response was spirited, with Moore’s cheeky backheel sending Humphries through on goal, but there was no sign of an equaliser. Moments later Lammey and Cooper linked up well to send their team 2 goals up, this time it was Cooper who finished from close range.
Cannon gave his team hope with another tremendous goal from distance. He then linked up well with Humphries and Hathaway to create a chance for the latter, but it was well blocked by Pitts. The Cooper Lammey and Langman triumvirate (they sound more like lawyers then bankers) were soon controlling the midfield, with Lammey crashing a shot off the bar. Their pressure paid off moments later. Cooper played Lammey into space down the wing with a backheel, and then struck the return pass past Barclay first time. Wonderful stuff.
A bit of gamesmanship crept into the game at that point, with the team 2 goals ahead passing the ball across the defence and running down the clock. The next chance fell to Cooper, who hammered a half-volley off the side wall with his trademark exuberance. The game was slow from then until halftime.
The play in the second half continued outside the Bankers’ penalty area, when a free kick was awarded against Andy Pitts’ quite brilliant, but also quite illegal sliding tackle. A speedy Lammey interception nipped the ensuing set piece in the bud. Ben Hathaway was desperately trying to pull his team back into the game with his Rambo-style runs, playing the ball to himself off the wall, and often running into the outstretched boot of Pitts. He finally closed the gap to one goal when a moment of defensive madness by the Bankers allowed him to finish unmarked from the edge of the area.
A spell of end to end chaos, now recorded in hieroglyphics in my notepad, ended with Pitts restoring his team’s 2 goal lead, unmarked. Having enjoyed his bit of attacking, Pitts then went on a blinding run the length of the pitch, beating 3 players, and setting Cooper up for an easy finish. Langman completed the route for the Bankers, shooting past a reclining Bulpitt, who seemed to have slipped. It finished 6-2 in favour of Barclay’s team
With 6 points from 6 today, the Bankers canter to a lead at the top of the table, playing the best passages of football seen yet this season. A well-organised but under-strength Pink Panthers team played some great football themselves, but were outclassed. They remain bottom.
Scores:
1st game Pink Panthers 4 - 6 The Bankers
2nd game The Bankers 5 - 2 Pink Panthers
Scorers:
Langman 5; Cooper 4; Humphries 2; Cannon 2; Hathaway; Pitts; Lammey; Moore
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